Why am I so insanely hard on myself? Why do I expect there to be perfection in most aspects of my life and when I somehow fall short of those expectations I attack myself? It is this obsession with perfection. It finds its way in to my life in various forms but always comes back to the same question, why am I so hard on myself? It may not be everyday or every week but too often I find myself wondering am I really as smart as I thought I was? Do I really have things to offer to the world like I thought I did? Am I really able to succeed the way I want to? Why do I expect so much from myself, as if mistakes or failures are something to scoff at? We all fail, I know that. We all have imperfections, I know that too. But somehow I still find myself holding extremely high and often unattainable expectations over my head. It is ultimately maddening. Am I holding myself back from being as successful as I want?

Carol Dweck has done some amazing research on mindset, and her research ultimately shows you either have a fixed or growth mindset. A fixed mindset has already self determined their level of ability in pretty much all aspects of life and becomes extremely frustrated and ultimately gives up when things don’t go right the first time. They quickly determine ‘they are no smart enough or good enough’ and that is why they can’t accomplish something. Someone with a growth mindset realizes that hard work, perseverance, and grit can change their levels of intelligence and their response to a challenge. They see challenges and set backs as an exciting way to learn something, not as the end of something.

Heidi Grant Halvorson actually takes that research a step further and explains that most females from early age were praised for their intelligence, instead of praised for the process it took to gain that intelligence. “…bright girls believe that their abilities are innate and unchangeable, while bright boys believe that they can develop ability through effort and practice.”  This has actually led to some of us, myself included, to become harsh on ourselves when we feel we have ‘failed’ our own expectations. Halvorson explains these mindsets embedded in us at a young age unfortunately make us “grow up to be women who are far too hard on themselves–women who will prematurely conclude that they don’t have what it takes to succeed in a particular arena, and give up way too soon.” I read this and realized that it definitely was describing me at times and had to start making changes to accomplish the things in life that I want to.

I got to work on myself. I took what I learned from Dweck and Halvorson and started applying it to change from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset in all aspects of my life. I still fail a lot. I still get down on myself and expect perfection in times I should not. It is a fixed mindset I have been dealing with for at least twenty years so you can imagine it won’t change over night but I do know it CAN CHANGE. As they say, the first step is to know you have a problem, then comes figuring out how to change it. I know that I am not the only woman that feels like this and I know we have to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves. We have to stop being so hard on ourselves, we can’t be expected to know everything in every situation, especially in new endeavors. We have to start seeing challenges and roadblocks as exciting puzzles to solve not as another reason to get down on ourselves. We have to put the perfection obsession aside.

Rebekah Hibbert is a Certified Athletic Trainer who works on getting athletes ready for their sport and taking care of them after they are hurt. She is passionate about women’s issues and sharing that passion through various social media outlets and is a part-time blogger trying to share my knowledge and experiences while connecting with others.

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