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Intellectual Intimacy Improves Romantic Communication

December 2, 2017

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Intellectual Intimacy Improves Romantic Communication


Intellectual intimacy is sharing whatever you are thinking and your skills. Intellectual intimacy can be your hopes, dreams, fears, and experiences. When your partner shares who they are inside and connect intellectually with you, they are trusting you with their secrets. They have removed the shield that guards their hearts.
Many people can have a romantic relationship that includes sex without being intellectually venerable as in a one night stand or causal relationship.   A great example of intellectual intimate relationships are couples that share the same hobby, occupation, passion or addition: fishing, bondsman, cooking or controlled substance additions.  Therefore, a successful relationship includes a degree of intellectual (good or bad) intimacy.  It is through intellectual intimacy a couple becomes friends and bond outside of a physical or sexual connection.

Below are five attributes that increase intellectual intimacy:

Attitude.  There is an old saying that “attitude determines aptitude”. People usually are attracted to and bond with others who have the same attitude as they do. If you have a positive attitude or desire one, then you will be attracted to someone who has a positive attitude.  If you are a negative person, you will be attracted to people with negative attitudes.

Harry, age 25, tells what attracted him to his wife, Jan age 22, of two years, “I was having a bad day because of a difficult customer and an employee called in sick. Jan ran into me accidently in the store and almost knocked me down.  I almost got angry but she looked up apologetic and gave me the most beautiful smile ever.  I knew I wanted to get to know her.  She has a beautiful attitude to go with that smile and because of her attitude we never have a problem communicating.”

Interesting.  You find each other interesting and intellectual stimulating.  Do you have a degree in the same field?  Do you share a hobby?  Every love song started with a story.  Every business started with an idea.  There is always an interest that start every romantic relationship. Sue age 43 met her husband, Cory age 47, at a trade conference event in New York for Children authors and publishers. Since that time seven years ago, they have self-published a few children books that sold mostly to friends and family but they love doing it. Sue said, “Cory and I love to write and see our finished product.  We love traveling and meeting other authors who do the same thing.  Next year we are planning to go to the Children’s Bologna Festival out of the country.”

Fun.  People connect with others whom they enjoy talking with and spending time with.  One person’s idea of fun may not be another’s but in order to enjoy each other’s company, there is some activity that the both of you enjoy.  People bond over finding someone to have fun and hang out with because there is so much negativity in the world.

Kent age 33 an auto mechanic said, I enjoy spending time with Pamela age 35 a beautician because she is carefree and spontaneous. I can suggest dinner on the fly or a movie and she will make time to spend with me.  She is a lot of fun. We don’t talk about other people or problems we enjoy each other’s company and that is refreshing.

Supportive – Maybe the two of you work on a stressful job and share experiences that others would not understand?According to a Priceonomics and US Census statistical report, agriculture workers, teachers, doctors, police officers, truck drivers, military personnel, and lawyers have a high degree of marriages among their occupations.

Dan a police officer age 31 married his police partner, Cherry age 29.  Dan said, I married Cherry because as my partner in the squad, she understood the job and she “gets” me. Since we’ve gotten married, she has resigned because we are expecting our first child.”

Loyalty and values – Some couples bond over loyalty and moral values.  For example, missionaries marry each other as they often find themselves in countries they are not familiar with but they are serving the same causes.  Some couples will not date or marry outside of their religion or culture. No one wants to bond intellectually with someone they think they cannot trust. Therefore, loyalty is on everyone’s list.

Jake age 55 owns a popular bar and grill restaurant.  He married one of his waitresses, Delta 53.  Jake said, Delta worked for me for over 20 years. She knew my deceased wife and my family. I know her divorced husband and her kids. Delta knows the ups and downs of my business and we are both transplants from Ireland. We are of the same faith and culture. I trust her with my life and know from experience I can confide in her and she won’t embarrass me by repeating what I say. So I married her.”

In conclusion, Intellectual intimacy supports friendships and relationships in addition to a sexual relationship but an intellectual intimate connection can maintain a relationship on its own merit. Most intellectual intimate attributes that cause better communication in a romantic relationship are many:  fun, attitude, interesting, supportive, loyalty and core values among a few.


Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples. She has helped countless individuals and organizations around the world, offering effective and efficient solutions for healthy and successful relationships. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage. She is a featured writer for, a reliable resource to support healthy happy marriages.



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