The Worst Word In The English Language

 

I recently learned the worst word in the English language.

I was snuggling onto my couch to read Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Lifeand she begins with describing the worst word we use.

I assumed the worst word would be the c-word, the n-word, or some other racist or sexist slur, and I was confused as to what derogatory terms have in common with self-help.

While it’s completely subjective as to what the worst word actually is, after hearing it, and letting it stew for a bit, I had to agree.

Yes, there are hurtful words we call people.

But as a dating coach, I believe this word has driven more of my clients into bad dates, unfulfilling relationships, disappointment, and more.

I wish I could eradicate this word from our language. Whenever I hear a client use this word, I immediately interrupt them and ask her to reframe.

So what’s this awful, no good, Voldemort-paralleled word?

Should.

Yep, should.

Think about it:

If I asked you to write down all the things you think you should do in your relationships, your list might look like:

I should date more.
I should do online dating.
I should like him.
I shouldn’t leave him.
I should be okay that he doesn’t do what I want him to do.
I should be married.

When we use the word should, we do two things. One, we give our power away to something else. We let something, or someone else, determine how we ought to be, what’s good or bad, and where in our lives we should be. That something else can be society, Hollywood, your friends, or even your mother.

Second, it assumes we are in the wrong. It’s impossible to be okay with where you are in your life if you’re always thinking about what you should be doing or where you should be.
You aren’t married, therefore you’re doing something wrong. You don’t like him, so something is wrong with you.For all the should statements I listed above, or your own should statements, ask yourself why. Why should you do all these things?

You might get answers like,

My mother said I should.
Isn’t everyone doing it?
On paper he looks good.
I’d feel guilty leaving him.
I can’t expect him to be perfect.
Social pressure makes me feel like I should.And here’s where the magic happens:

Take all your should statements, and turn them into could statements.

could date more.
could do online dating.
could like him.
could leave him.
could be okay that he doesn’t do what I want him to do.
could be married.

See how that’s different?

It gives the power back to you. Now you get to decide if you want to do something and how to live your life, on your own terms.

Now if I ask you, “Why haven’t you done the things you could do?”, you could say,

It’s scary.
I don’t want to.
The truth is, I don’t really like him.
I really love him, and want to give us another shot, but I don’t know where to start.
It feels scary to stand up for myself.
I haven’t really let anyone in.

Now you get to start crossing off your shoulds. You see that you could do online dating. But you just really don’t want to. Awesome! Now you get to decide that you just really don’t want to do online dating.

For the shoulds you don’t cross off, you get to see what the real issue is and take action. You thought you should date more, then you thought you could date more, but you realized you don’t date because it’s scary.

Boom. That’s where the healing begins.

I hope you love this, and that it brings you as much clarity in your relationships as it brought me.


 

Veronica Grant

Veronica Grant

Veronica is a green smoothie enthusiast, a radical self-care advocate, and a dating coach for career-oriented women who’ve put their personal goals on the back burner.

She taught yoga + fitness for 9 years before shifting her business to relationships when she realized that was really her clients’ #1 struggle. As a dating coach, what she REALLY does is teach women how to treat themselves the way they want to be treated.

If you want to get back out there but don’t know where to start, be sure to grab Veronica’s 3 Steps To Getting Into The Relationship You Want here (www.veronicagrant.com). {Hint: the fun begins with dating yourself!}

Connect with Veronica… www.veronicagrant.com, Facebook, Instagram